Dears and darlings! Last week we brought you a bevy of not-so-terrible stories from 2017 (just to prove there were some). And this week, weâve dug up even more juicy dollops of goodness from the latter part of the absolute worst year ever! So stir up a martini, dears, and get ready to feel almost hopeful about 2018! Mwwwah!âAnn
SUNDAY, JUNE 18
OMG! OMG! The biggest day of all is finally here!! According to People, âBeyoncĂ© and husband Jay Z have welcomed twins.â Which must be why the heavens cried sweet tears of lemonade-flavored joy, the gray skies parted, and we didnât even feel the need to drink six martinis before bed. Hopefully weâll be able to maintain this state of utter bliss if Bey and Jay donât give their perfection twins names that are absolutely celebludicrous. Hmmm, actually, thatâs not a bad name for twins... Celeb and Ludicrous.
THURSDAY, JULY 13
Okay, everybody relax! As it turns out, Kim Kardashian is notâwe repeat NOTâforcing her four-year-old daughter North West to wear an actual corset. To be clear, it just looks exactly like an actual corset. Big diff, okay? We mean, sure: The Kardashians are known for wearing actual corsets (AKA waist trainers), like, all the time. Sis KhloĂ© even Instagrammed herself wearing a corset to workout sessionsâbecause, of course, right? However, when little North was pictured earlier this week wearing a cute orange dress with what appeared to be an actual corset on top? Well, letâs just say the internet did what it does best... it went ape-shit haywire, accusing Kim of forcing her daughter into an Elizabethan torture device. BUT GUYS! Kim Kardashian would never do that, okay? âI would never put my daughter in a corset,â Kim cried on Twitter following this simply outrageous accusationâeven though, as mentioned earlier, her family wears them all the time. âItâs a dress I bought that is a cotton fabric that laces up & looks like a corset!â So, everybody got that? Kim is absolutely NOT confining her child in an oppressive, constraining apparatus designed to reduce her waist to the circumference of a quarter. North is currently wearing a non-confining training corsetâthat is, until sheâs eight and can wear the real thing. WE ARE GLAD WE CLEARED THIS UP.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 10
While Taylor Swift is unquestionably annoying, she hit a home run today for victims of sexual assault. Quick recap: Former country radio DJ David Mueller was fired after being accused of groping Swiftâs bottom during a 2013 photo shoot. He denied the grope, and filed a lawsuit against her for $3 million. T-Swift said OH HELL NO, countersued (for $1), and appeared in court today to deliver a satisfying smack-down to her accuser. Referring to the ass-grabbing photo, Muellerâs lawyer asked why the front of Taylorâs skirt was down instead of up. Taylor quickly responded, âBecause my ass is located in the back of my body.â BAM! When he asked why she was standing closer to Muellerâs girlfriend in the photo, Taylor shot back, âShe did not have her hand on my ass.â BAM 2! And when the lawyer asked if she was critical of her bodyguard who couldâve stopped the attack, Taylor closed with, âIâm critical of your client sticking his hand under my skirt and grabbing my ass.â BAM 3, AND KNOCKOUT! The judge quickly dismissed Muellerâs claim, and while we wonât forget that Taylorâs privilege and wealth afforded her the opportunity to fight back against her oppressors, this was a solid WIN for TEAM WOMAN. (Itâs also a great idea for a TV show: Taylor Swift, Attorney at Law.)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 24
Today in news to make you say, âTee-hee-hee-YAAAASâ: Enemy of the people Gwyneth Paltrow is in moderately deep doo-doo with the Truth in Advertising organization that wants regulators to investigate her lifestyle website Goop for misrepresenting its products. These consumer watchdogs have released a list of more than 50 (!) examples of deceptive advertising for products Goop endorses... such as a Carnelian crystal which supposedly âeases period cramps [and] treats infertility.â This is blatantly untrue because... umm... itâs a rock? Other Goopy products include body stickers that are supposed to relieve inflammation, a hair treatment meant to help depression, and vaginal eggs, which apparently keeps your uterus from slipping. (In Gwynethâs defense, weâve slipped and fallen on our uterus a number of times, but getting our vagina steamed is what cured us. Or at least thatâs what our crystal says.)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
On Tuesday President Trump yanked the rug out from underneath young undocumented immigrants by allowing Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) to expire. Horrible as it may be, it did provide a springboard for the sweetest internet burn of the week, courtesy of beloved diva Cher. Infuriated by Trumpâs chickenshit move, Cher hopped on Twitter and vowed to take Dreamers into her home and protect them. But because no good deed goes unpunished, Trump supporter Brenda Webb (AKA @bwebb56 who calls herself a âbeliever in Jesusâ and a âpositive person,â eww) responded sarcastically to Cherâs offer to take in Dreamers, writing, âSure you will Cher... Iâll believe it when I see it!â Cherâs response? âThen keep your eyes open bitch.â Thatâs when Brenda Webbâs Twitter account burst into flames, and the internet squealed and ran around high-fiving each other. IN A RELATED STORY... âThen keep your eyes open bitchâ will now replace âIn God We Trustâ on all American currency.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
Itâs a very good day when you read a Washington Post headline like this: âMartin Shkreli jailed after Facebook post about Hillary Clinton.â YAAAAAS! Shkreli is, of course, the walking piece of excrement who jacked up prices on an AIDS medication by 5,000 percent. Anyway, a federal judge revoked Shkreliâs $5 million bail after he offered his Facebook followers $5,000 to yank a strand of hair out of Hillary Clintonâs head during her book tour. Though the misogynistic shithead apologized, the judge was unmoved. âThis is a solicitation of assault,â said US District Judge Kiyo Matsumoto. âThat is not protected by the First Amendment.â BOOM! Shkreli was immediately sent to Brooklynâs Metropolitan Detention Centerâwhere MONSTERS LIKE HIM BELONG. Hmm... whatâs that rotten smell? Oh, itâs Shkreli. Rotting. In. Jail.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22
Because we refuse to end this week in a dour, soul-crushing manner, know this: The mostly Black students of Mississippiâs Davis Elementary School (named after Confederate asshole president Jefferson Davis) petitioned to have their school renamedâand they won. Starting next year, these kids will be attending Obama Elementary... and no, weâre not crying. These are martini tears of joy.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 2
For 11 beautiful, perfect minutes, the world righted itself, and hope sprang anew... because Donald Trumpâs Twitter account was temporarily deactivated. Those searching for the latest nonsensical/racist screed from our tweeter-in-chief were met with the blaring proclamation, âSorry, that page doesnât exist!â Had Twitter FINALLY stopped its hypocritical support of a war-mongering, fact-mangling, fear-spreading president? Of course not, silly! It was an anonymous hero among their ranks, who, during his or her last day as a Twitter employee, deleted the presidentâs despicable account on their way out the door. While much of those 11 minutes were filled with confusion over what had happenedâour fave theory was Special Counsel Robert Mueller slipping into the presidentâs DMs to look for Putin love notesâwhen Trumpâs Twitter account returned, it was like heâd never left. (Sigh.) But while we may never learn the name of the rogue former Twitter employee, we must forever honor this national hero who gave us 11 wonderful minutes of much-needed silence. (How about changing Columbus Day to Rogue Twitter Employee Day?)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 7
Today was Election Day, and while this particular election meant fuckall for Portland voters, elections elsewhere in the country were a bigger deal: Danica Roem âmade history Tuesday night,â reported Vox, by âbecoming the first openly transgender person to be elected to the Virginia House of Delegates.â Roem, 32, trounced 73-year-old Bob Marshallâan idiot who proposed Virginiaâs discriminatory âbathroom bill,â an idiot who refused to call Roem âshe,â and an idiot who refused to even debate her. Congrats, Danica! (And Bob? Weâll tell you what we tell all bigoted, fear-stricken geriatrics: Thanks in advance for dying off soon, thus making the world better for the rest of us.)Â
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12
In a nail-biter of a special election, tonight Democrat Doug Jones defeated accused pedophile/racist Roy Moore to claim Alabamaâs empty Senate seat. And while one might hope that the majority of white residents had finally come to their senses, as usual it was Black votersâand Black women in particularâwho rallied and put Jones over the top (even though many were not particularly thrilled with this particular Democrat). So make no mistake as we depart the steaming heap of burning rubbish 2017 leaves behind: Letâs all make 2018 the year we recognize Black woman magicâbecause it is surely the only thing thatâll save us.